Welcome you to my very last blog post I’ve ever wrote. One reason I’ve eventually done with blogging, and it is not because it’s obviously a ghost town, which is watched by nobody and with a good chance no one will ever read these lines either. It is clear that blogging is oldschool, the future and even our present are for social media, video, and motion picture. But it’s perfectly fine. When I published my first blog post four and a half years ago, I didn’t expect much from it, I just intended it as a hobby, and progress cannot be stopped.
I’ve lost interest for blogging indeed, but I keep it as an archive or landing page. These days, I’m putting more emphasis on my YouTube channels and Instagram page. No.
The real reason I stopped blogging is because I no longer believe in everything I’ve written, published, and posted over the years. And the reason for this is that I feel like I’ve lost my own credibility with myself, and above all, I’ve completely lost my identity, which I previously thought was rock-solid and unshakable.
There’s nothing new about this, it’s not the first time my worldview has completely collapsed, it’s the fourth time, but this time it’s different. I’ve always been able to start over from scratch, but now I have nothing to build from, and all the previous collapses pale in comparison.
I haven’t posted anything in a while, last time at the beginning of the year. This is no coincidence. I have written before about how important it is to have a place we can call home and how identity is like a map, showing us not only where we are in the world now, but also where we are going. I was wrong. Home and identity are illusions, verbal expressions of our inherent desire for security. Earth is not our home, we are merely travelers here, and wherever we were before we were born, wherever we will be after we die, we belong there and not here, even if that means nothingness.
I also told that I never argue that one whose worldview never collapsed, because that one is obviously a God, or rather acts as God. I don’t deal with infallible.
Giving up identity is nothing but giving up ego, and leaving comfort zone voluntarily to unknown. Thus sacrificing known for unknown, the existing for the non-existing. Why would anyone do that if not because they hope for better?
I have lived and acted in this spirit all my life, but this time I got nothing better by leaving, and there is no way back, no place to return to. I am no longer looking for my place in the world, I know that I do not have one.
Because whoever really understands life no longer belongs to it. I couldn’t even imagine the pure and naked truth about the life, about the world which is falling apart around me, and about myself which turned out just another illusion. Nothing is real. Everything in this world I thought a real is only entertaining the avatar what I thought was me. Everything I was ever passionate about and interested in has faded into banal insignificance.
But I realized that there is nothing in it that is me that I can call my own, including the body, consciousness, memories, identity, ego, and all the other nonsense.
I knew that every human act is driven directly or indirectly, consciously or unconsciously by reducing the suffering of existence, or diverting attention from it. Thus we gain nothing any plus with existance.
Everyone in this world from the beginning of time is driven by this, even without knowing. But feeling the emptiness of this is a whole different stuff. And it didn’t come suddenly, overnight, but slowly. As if you would start seeing with your spiritual eye that you’ve never used before, overriding everything what you’ve ever seen with eyes of your avatar.
When the limitations of consciousness and awareness that we live in become not a blessing, but a burden that we want to break free from. When mere existence begins to hurt unbearably, not physically, but in some inexplicable inner dimension that you didn’t even know existed before, because you didn’t feel it. You were blind to your spiritual eyes and you slept the whole time. Now you are awake for the first time in life, which most people never experience, and it is unbearable.
Of course, we need consciousness and awareness while we are alive, because they are protections, like a shield, so that we do not become victims of nature, ( Self-awareness and consciousness are what evolution gave us for survival ), but that’s just one side of the coin, on the other hand, they are also what limit our existence and hold our souls captive. And if they exceed a certain critical level, the meaning of mere existence is questioned, since the reality around us becomes increasingly unbearable in a hyperconscious state. In fact, consciousness is a prison, not just protection, and nothing more than being aware of our suffering. We can only be truly free in two cases: when we either sleep or die. With life we gain nothing, with death we lose nothing, and this is dreadful realization. Self-awareness is just one dimension among many, and it’s not even the best, moreover, consciousness is just a prison sentence to be served.
You no longer fear of death and non-existence but crave for them. Most people refuse to accept the explanation that you’re too smart, hyper-aware, or just woke up. They refuse to face the fact that they’re the ones who are asleep. You’re just depressed, you need a therapist, or you’re just plain insane. But when they fail to answer your existential questions and they have no better explanation than yours, it turns out, they know nothing. They are just hollow avatars, and they cease to exist for you, at that very moment. In this moment, you realize not only that you are left alone, but also that you have always been alone.
What is the explanation for our current existence and consciousness, compared to infinity? If we compare the finite to the infinite, what is the final result? Zero? What are they trying to argue with a zero percent chance of happening? How can anyone take this mathematical absurdity as the paradox of our current existence for self-evidently granted? There is no such coincidence! Precisely Zero percent!
And there’s only one explanation for this: we’re doomed to exist in an eternal cosmic cycle, because it’s mathematically impossible for this to be our first and last life, the one we’re living now. What can we do with that? Suddenly everything loses its meaning. In other words, even suicide cannot be a way out of the eternal cycle of existence.
If anyone were to read this blog post, which I doubt anyone will, they might rightly ask why I am writing this, and why I do what I do, why I do anything at all. The answer might be that if I did not consciously do what all people do unconsciously, which is to divert attention, I would be guaranteed a breakdown, and only more suffering that comes with it. It is not a solution, because there is no solution, but still better than nothing, at least for a while.
I feel like I owe this blog enough to close it, with this post, even though I know there’s no end only and.
The End